The latest facts and figures about endometriosis.
· 1 in 10 women of reproductive age in the UK suffer from endometriosis.1
· 10% of women worldwide have endometriosis - that’s 176 million.1
· The prevalence of endometriosis in women with infertility is as high as to 30–50%.2
· Endometriosis is the second most common gynaecological condition in the UK.3
· Endometriosis affects 1.5 million women in the UK, a similar number of women affected by diabetes.4
· On average it takes 7.5 years from onset of symptoms to get a diagnosis.5
· Endometriosis costs the UK economy £8.2bn a year in treatment, loss of work and healthcare costs.6
· The cause of endometriosis is unknown and there is no definite cure.
What it is:
Every month a woman’s body goes through hormonal changes. Hormones are naturally released which cause the lining of the womb to increase in preparation for a fertilised egg. If pregnancy does not occur, this lining will break down and bleed – this is then released from the body as a period.
In endometriosis, cells like the ones in the lining of the womb grow elsewhere in the body. These cells react to the menstrual cycle each month and also bleed. However, there is no way for this blood to leave the body. This can cause inflammation, pain and the formation of scar tissue.
Information taken from : https://www.endometriosis-uk.org/understanding-endometriosis
For me: I started my periods around the age of 14. The pain leading up to my period was unbearable, I would be doubled up and in agony for an average of one week a month and also mid cycle I would have constant pain. I assumed that this was normal and maybe I had a low pain threshold. It would affect all areas of life, some days I would be on the floor in the bathroom violently sick, on my hands and knees as I was in too much pain to stand.
At 16 I had my first key hole surgery. The consultant came to the ward the day after the operation and explained to me that I had Endometriosis and his advice to me was to have my children by the time I was 21. Endometriosis Is not life threatening but it’s known as an invisible disease, from the outside no one would know but the inside, there are many scars, having had 11 operations in total.
At the time I wasn’t in a secure enough relationship to start a family. Since then, an average of every couple of years the endometriosis would grow back and I would need key hole surgery to remove it. I spent most of my twenties on a hormone treatment called Danazol which often had an effect on a whole host of emotions, down to having the sweats, weight gain and being very up and down. Danazol would place the body in a menopausal state, so at 19 I remember sitting in work having full flushes with another lady who was actually going through the menopause. There was nearly 30 years difference in our age.
Anyone who has lived with endometriosis will understand the symptoms. For me, it was a sick feeling every day. The only way I can describe it, is that it is similar to someone coming out the tail end of a stomach bug when your tummy feels sore and yuck!!! The stomach-ache was dull, constant, and made me so tired along with a whole shot of other ailments – that was a good day!!! Often a bad day the pain would be unbearable. After a severe bought of pain, my hips would feel bruised for days and then extreme tiredness would kick in.
This is how I would be every day for an average of 9/18months before I would have the next key hole surgery to clear it and I would be fine for around 9months again. This cycle went on for the next 26years of my life. I had never known adult life without it. Unless you have lived with this disease its actually difficult to explain the other side effects.
Id often quietly go up to bed early in the evening and just have to sleep It off as it would be easier to do rather than stay awake.
I vividly remember a friend of mine had come over to get me as they were taking me out for dinner and to meet other friends for my birthday. He had to hold me up to walk into the restaurant, once we reached the door, I told him “I’ve got this” I didn’t show anyone that evening the pain I was in. I ate as much of my dinner as I could as I did not want to let my friends down and then disappeared into the restrooms to be sick. After I finished, I put my lipstick and smile back on and walked back into the restaurant where no one would have known any different.
I have spoken to many women who have done similar as they don’t want the sympathy or to be a burden to anyone. It’s easy to talk about it now as it’s all done and dusted and I now live a pain free life : )
When I was diagnosed with it in 1992 an average of 1 in a few hundred women were diagnosed, now we are 1 in 10 yet we are not much more advanced in finding a cure, except, In 2009 biological engineer Linda Griffith launched the Center for Gynepathology Research at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.
Linda and her team study Endometriosis, and in 2013 they did a study which has Identified cellular activity that could provide a better understanding, it suggests that a faulty autoimmune response may be responsible for the condition.
This breakthrough means the team is one step closer to understanding why endometriosis happens in the first place and could in the future help device better treatment options for sufferers.
The picture above was taken December 2015 (I’m on the left). Two months before I was to receive my final operation - a hysterectomy. I had lost half my hair thickness was sick most days, nausea 90% of the time, was two stone lighter, could only eat small amounts of food, I would be in the toilet every 20minutes as my bladder was also affected. There was a whole host of other symptoms which I won’t go into in an article.
My consultant had said “It’s time to make you better” and I had no option but to receive the operation. I did ask him if I could firstly go to Milan for my 40th for a weekend which he smiled and then planned the Operation a week after my return.
One part of me was pleased and the other part was numb. I had to now really accept that the opportunity of carrying my own child was not meant to be. I celebrated my 40th birthday and a week later I spent 4 days in Hospital, I was opened from hip to hip as the Endometriosis had spread to large areas of the body and there was a lot of corrective surgery that they had to do.
I received the operation in Cyprus where I had amazing care. I asked friends not to visit me whilst I was in hospital, as I was determined to get my mindset right and wanted to focus on being strong throughout the recovery process.
I refused any more morphine 24 hours post-surgery and I asked them to de tube me the same time. I was so determined I walked out of the hospital 4 days later. I arrived back on camp (RAF Akrotiti) where I was living at the time, walked into the med centre to receive my meds. Even the doctor came out to the reception area in disbelief that I had walked in to collect my meds after being opened up from hip to hip.
The thing is after being in so much pain for years and continuing not to let it affect your life as much as you can, I was used to operations, and now I knew that there was not going to be any more pain and this was the start of a new chapter, I was actually happy. The pain post op was going to be short lived and that was an amazing feeling. My sister flew out to take care of me for the first week and then I was flown home by medair RAF where they had looked after me pre-flight, during the flight and post flight. I couldn’t have asked for better support.
I flew back to Cyprus after a month of recuperating at home in Wales and went to see my consultant for my 6-week post op consultation. One thing I had noticed was that I had lower back pain leading up to the operation and this had disappeared. I explained this to the consultant to which he replied: My dear, the Endometriosis had grown so much that it had gone around the base of your back-putting pressure on the internal organs and spine.
I should have been off work for 6/9 months and was back part time in 3 months, my doctor refused to sign my papers for me to return to full time work, which I suppose I was grateful for as I didn’t realise the aftermath of having such a large operation would have on the body. I didn’t need to prove anything else to myself, it was ok to take it easy and to be kind to me.
Two years before the above main picture was taken, I was about to receive my last round of fertility treatment. Myself and my husband went through 6 rounds in total and two rounds of Clomid, but my body kept rejecting each one.
As a consequence, my marriage broke down, due to me being so unhappy. When I look back at this time, I didn’t make very good choices, wasn’t really myself and was ill. My mind was sick and I hadn’t allowed myself time to grieve. I kept pushing the feelings away and kept telling myself there are a lot of people out there suffering a lot worse than me, be grateful for what you have rather than what you don’t have. Gratitude is a huge help, however what I hadn’t done was accept. Acceptance is as important as gratitude. I had to accept and forgive myself and I needed to grieve. It was a strange feeling having to grieve for each loss when there was nothing in the physical world to grieve for. However, we were told it would help us to accept.
I had come to realise that we sometimes need extra support and care to help us through difficult times in life and that’s ok. Living on RAF Akrotiri I received counselling from the military sector which had been a great support and the start of my healing process.
I also received alternative therapy with an amazing lady, who really did help me release my trauma. As a result of this support, something inside of me clicked, I began to learn, learn about me, learn who I really was. I began to immerse myself in personal development.
I discovered new tools, exercises and strategies that taught me to access my unconscious mind and reprogram the information that was stored. I retrained with some of the biggest trainers in the world and spent every possible minute I had immersing myself in learning. I would go to work in the day and read, watch you tube and travel to the UK during my holidays to train, I felt alive, I was beginning to learn some amazing tools that I could pass onto others. I was really learning so much about the human brain which was also supporting me through my healing process. I started to understand who I was.
I changed my blueprint and I can honestly say that I have reached 44 and I’m genuinely smiling form the inside. I am now internally happy and what I’ve become to learn this is where true happiness is built from.
If you focus on the hurt, you will continue to suffer.
If you focus on the lesson, you will continue to grow.
I now have complete inner peace. I no longer dwell on disappointments but instead channel this and find the positive. And more importantly I do not sweat the small stuff :) I’ve become a lot more laid back and I’ve realised that there is so much to be grateful for.
My mantra: You can’t change what happens to you but you can change the way you feel about it.
I took on personal responsibility I pointed the finger back at myself. It wasn’t easy, it took time, it took COMPLETE DEDICATION. I immersed myself with between 2 and 8 hours a day of personal development for a number of years.
If I had learnt these tools going through school, I would have been able to have dealt with life’s challenges in a more resilient way.
One of my goals now is to challenge our system to give children these tools that they need to survive in life. Resilience is key to being able to deal with our curve balls.
I now speak at events and support other women by discussing how I kept my body strong when I had Endometriosis, the key was to keep a healthy diet and plenty of exercise. I kept process foods to a minimum, went out at 6.00am for daily walks. I remember seeing an acupuncturist and they said to me, how do you maintain a full-time job with this amount of pain? Answer: I was on autopilot; I didn’t know anything different. This was the 90’s before any understanding of the disease, I had already built a good system to support me.
What I also needed then was the tools to understand a healthy mind. This I have now and have supported many others to unlock this, build new habits and become stronger and more resilient.
I am a very driven person and throughout my twenties and thirties not many people looking from the outside would see anything, but internally the constant pain was difficult to live with. Keeping my body strong really worked but the missing link? Keeping the mind strong.
I now personally work on my mind as often as I eat and drink. We are told to eat healthily, drink often to nourish our bodies, we are told to exercise but how often are we told to look after our minds? What we put into our minds and the way we speak as a huge impact on our physiology. Going directly into the unconscious and rewriting how you think of yourself and your future is the key to permanent change.
I have been pain free for 4 years now. I was 14 when I first began to suffer with the intensity of pain, it’s an amazing feeling to now help others deal with this disease.
Life is extremely good, even though I didn’t become a mum, my life is now fulfilled with learning, helping and supporting others to learn the tools to keep their minds healthy.
If you have, or are suffering with an illness, please remember:
and acknowledge that sometimes:
"its ok not to be ok, it's what we do about it that matters"
My learning’s from this, is to pass the gift forward.
The Personal Emotional Strategy ‘IS’ as important as your Business plan. It’s what will keep your mind flowing through your work and personal life. Following on from the previous article I would like to delve a little deeper into our personal lives.
I often come across people within a specific field that excel over and beyond, yet sometimes other areas of their life aren’t going so well. They have such a focus to a skill set within their field of expertise, bring them out of that focus and they’re not sure what to do, how to react, how to plan, which can then have an impact on the personal life.
For example, skilled people have mastered their field of expertise, it’s their passion, it’s what they repeatedly do every day, its where the energies are placed, they spend real time within this set of skills, they know the skill, they know what is needed, they have spent hours mastering the skill.
However, often as a result, home/personal life has a very different energy, which is how it should be, to a certain point.
I have come across people who are at the top of their game in the place of work and their home life is shattering around them.
Answer to the problem? Understanding your own PES, placing the similar passion (the feeling) and the same skills into the personal life, each and every one of us has our own strategy for mastering our expertise in the professional capacity and you have put in thousands of hours to do that. So why reinvent the wheel when you already have excellent strategies in place?
It’s about spending time in knowing you, knowing what you want within your personal life, so that you can react with your own PES System firmly in place. How can I be the best version of me in my personal life?
When thoughts and feelings are compatible with each other, we obtain the perfect environment for creating. If you set out to accomplish something in your private life or maybe transitioning from one career to the next, spend time asking yourself:
· What’s my intention?
· What’s my outcome?
· To achieve this outcome how do I need to be? Emotionally? The PES
We ensure we are at peak performance:
All these intentions have thoughts (language) and emotions (feeling) attached to them. Being able to set your intentions and understanding how I will show up is key to supporting and mastering your private life.
Have you set your intentions in this way before? This does not take hours to do, we are talking seconds. Let us take the “Before you walk through the door to your family” example.
Have I asked myself how do I need to be? (PES) How would I like to show up? What does the best mum or dad look like as soon as I walk through that door? Is it going to be the parent that says to their children “just leave me have a few minute please, I haven’t stopped all day” or will it be the parent that pauses in the car for a few seconds and visualises walking through the door with the biggest smile and asks the children how their day has been? All the while looking at them with pure love and gratitude. How different do you think you would feel if you spent these 5/10 minutes with family as soon as you walk through the door? It will have an empowering, lasting effect on all of you.
It’s simple tweaks to our language and behaviours. Have we set the intention of how I’ll be walking through the door to great my partner at the end of the day? how often do they get the part of us that isn’t present, that’s worn out from the day, that doesn’t have much energy to engage in a meaningful conversation ? what can we do to ensure that our time at home has more purpose? Has more meaning?
Let’s look at a simple analogy – the tuning fork – what do you want to be vibrating out around you? Its’ as simple as that.
What energy do you want to be vibrating out to your family/partner? The person that they are happy to see walking in through the door or the person they are happy to see walking out the door? Take a moment to think about the quality of your language with loved ones? What do you notice?
Keeping the relationship alive and investing quality time into it
Spending time nurturing home life. Why is It that when we enter into a relationship, often we haven’t spent the time really understanding what is it that will enable the relationship to work and have the longevity we might long for? do I really understand me enough to know what I’m really looking for in a relationship? and when I have that relationship do I spend time nurturing it? Communicating? Investing in one and other?
Do I put the effort into the relationship like I put the effort into my work? do we have a good balance of nurturing our work and home life?
If we haven’t spent quality time in our private life how do we expect this part of our lives to run smoothly? If we are on the top of our game in work why can’t we be at the top of our game in our personal life too. Use your strategies that you already have to enhance that area of your life.
Many of us might have lost that sense of purpose, our personal purpose of relaxing enjoying with family, friends and loved ones. Ensuring we also create a life outside of work that has true purpose and meaning.
Nurturing the relationships that matter, because if we don’t we can find ourselves in a very different situation.
Focus on what you want rather than what you do not want
Spend time understanding and learning our thoughts and behaviours. Ask myself how did I show up in that situation? What does the best wife, husband, father, mother, sister, brother, daughter, son or friend look like?
What are my learnings from it to support me in being the best version of myself within my personal relationships? Training your mind in self-care will support to make you a better person not only for yourself but also your loved ones.
Tweaking that lens just a little can make the world of difference. Finding that extra energy to invest in your personal life and making your personal life and loved ones a priority.
If you would like to hear more, please contact me: info@TJLife.net
This is a very different article to what I've previously written and as many of you know part of what I do is to work with people on one to one basis, supporting the mindset.
Quite often a large part of my work is to help with people’s limiting self-beliefs in their private lives. The professional life is going extremely smoothly but their personal life does not mirror.
I have previously spoken about how we put hours upon hours of time into mastering a skill or trade, but unfortunately, we do not put the same effort into our personal life.
We are finding that more and more people are struggling to meet that partner, lover, husband, wife, twin flame, soul mate, or whatever you choose to call it. With more and more people turning to online dating for support.
A little bit about my personal life: I am happily single and have consciously spent the last few years nurturing my business. However, over the last 18 months, I have been doing a lot of work on myself, to find out what I would want a relationship to look like, for me.
I have learned a lot about myself, reflected over past relationships and looked at where I needed to improve and grow. I now understand what values and qualities I will look for in a partner to enable us to grow and enhance each other’s lives, as a couple. I (very importantly) now understand my boundaries and what I think is acceptable and what is not.
I have now taken those learnings and I am ready to move forward. My friends had joined together a few weeks ago and convinced me to join an online dating app. (This is something I had previously tried, with great reluctance and after 48 hours, lost the will to live). But thought it best I try again, on a different platform. I’ve currently survived day 10, as I am writing this.
The reason for this short article is mainly out of support for some people who are trying to navigate these sites. From my perspective, there are some who are doing magnificently. However, they seem to be the minority. With the risk of sounding judgy… Some are needing a bit of work and support in this department!
If you would like to meet somebody, who you could nurture a long-term relationship with? My advice would be to spend time on your profile.
I thought I would put together some (humorous) top tips.
I would like to point out, that I am in no way a dating expert and this is just from one woman’s perspective and these points are based on my experience, and my experience alone.
· Recent photos are a MUST! No pictures that were taken 20 years ago. You are wanting a date, so the other person is eventually going to see what you look like. It’s always best to use an updated version of yourself. Start on the foot of honesty.
· Urinal toilet pictures. I cannot talk for all women, but I can for myself and the ones I know… We do not want to see a picture of you in the toilet! I also see a lot of women who are guilty of this. Often, on social media a group of girls having a great night out and their pictures are in the toilets!!!!! I can guarantee you were in a beautiful restaurant or doing something nice, so there are other photo opportunities. Choose your backdrop wisely!
· Topless/naked photos. It is a big NO from me. We do not want to see unsolicited naked pictures, well most of us do not. However, if I did want to a see naked picture, I am sure there is another app or something similar that I could visit. Ask for permission before you over share, please!
· Toothbrush in hand on profile pic (?!) is a serious NO, NO. (Yep - this is true, and re-occurring)
· The biggest mistake is to show a picture where your ex-partner or ex-wife have been blurred/cut out. Some are still wearing a wedding band! I am not here to judge so, each to their own, but maybe make your intentions/personal situation clear from the get-go.
· Job status. Again, back to my previous point. You are eventually going to want to have a date, and if this progresses further, he/she's going to know that you were trying being deceptive. Be honest from the beginning and cut the BS!
· People with no pictures….. No comment.
Some people might want to challenge the above statements which is totally fine as these are only my opinion’s.
All jokes aside, most of these people are probably people who know what they want in their jobs, spending time mastering their trade, knowing what they need to do, to get the job done.
So why is it that we do not spend that time on ourselves in our private lives? And master the art of:
· Respect for oneself
Spending more time on ourselves: As you are reading this ask yourself, do you really understand:
· your boundaries in a relationship?
· what will make a relationship work for you?
· your triggers?
· your core values and those of your partners?
· how to work on a relationship?
· the needs of your partner?
· how to rebalance your relationship?
I have spoken in my previous article before about being the best dad or being the best mum, the best partner, husband, or wife.
Finding that partner these days can be a difficult process. Whether this is finding someone online or on an ad hock night out, it is difficult for some to meet that potential person.
I met someone last year when I was away with my Mum and Sister in Bath, from my perspective there was an instant attraction there, one that I had not felt in a while. We had a few drinks together, spent some time over the weekend and exchanged numbers, however as the film goes: “he just wasn’t that into me” :) and I accepted it, however finding that chemistry, isn’t easy these days.
That specific weekend the gentleman reminded me of what was important for me. The spark, the human connection and he reminded me that it can be found. He had ignited that spark for me and had some lovely qualities (friendship was one of them). We were at the bar speaking and his friend had lost his phone, instantly he went and helped him look for it, only returning when it had been found. Now that may not seem like much, but they had been friends for years and it was obvious that evening that loyalty to his friends was important to him. To me, that was a beautiful quality, he was smart, charismatic and witty.
Let’s take your relationship, It is vital to understand what is important to your partner, and do they mirror your views. What are their traits and values that will align with yours? What are your non negotiables in a relationship?
Before that weekend, my attention was with my work. The thought of dating was not at the for front, I had been on dates but I knew up until that point I was not ready for long term commitment.
I have been on a couple of dates since but have not connected with someone who has made me feel that spark.
So now I am creating a deeper understanding that the human connection is so very important to me. But the question I will ask to myself is: In what way is that human connection important? In what way is communication important to me? In what way is respect important to me? In what way is that charisma important to me? In what way is witty important to me?
Why not ask yourselves those deeper questions and get to know you better. Drill down and drill down further. Really understand who you are. Understand those values and what happens when they are not met/respected?
Do you understand what your core values are? Do you have an understanding of how these impact you every single day? Recognising and understanding your partner's core values can make or break a relationship. Knowing what “makes them tick”, their “triggers” and what happens to them when they do or don't have their core values respected, and, how they show up as a result? Having these discussions can really strengthen your connection.
Love is one of the most profound emotions known to human beings. It comes in many forms: The love of our family, work, pets and even material things. However, the love of a partner comes with a different connotation. To build that consistent relationship requires constant care and communication.
The dating app lacks that human connection, for me, hence why I did not have much patience for it. I might have said no to someone because I did not connect to the picture but if I had met them face to face, It might have been a different story. Charisma, humour, connection is so difficult to portray in a photo.
We cannot underestimate the power of that human connection, face to face conversations, sitting close to someone and feeling their energy. That is also more difficult via video links etc (especially with lockdown added to the mix). Do not get me wrong, there are huge success stories with dating app’s and the whole point is to start a conversation and then meet up. I’m realising, maybe I just don’t have the patience for it, and my future partner will adore me for just that.
I have chosen to be Single for a time because I was not ready to meet the person that would be in my life full time. I knew I had more work to do on myself and that I will not settle, because for me, setting will inevitably lead to a break-up down the line.
I now appreciate the true value of spending time understanding what I need to enable a relationship to flourish.
For me what’s important is: working on your relationship, nurturing your relationship, loving your relationship, growing with your relationship, having patience, having perseverance, having fun, being inquisitive, being spontaneous and having space and time within your relationship.
However, this must work both ways. Let me ask you, how much effort do we put into our job every day? How much effort do we put into learning a new skill to be on top of our game? Can we honestly say we do this within our personal relationship?
Take time out to think, really think about this. Think about what that relationship is going to look like for you?
I met a lovely lady a few years ago that was due to retire, her husband had retired a few years before. She was nervous about being together every day. They had been married for over 30 years, they got on well, but as she admitted they were very different people to when they first met over 30 years ago.
There were no children at home to keep their minds occupied as they had all grown up and flown the nest, it was just the two of them. So, I asked her to take the values exercise home and work on it together, go for a nice meal and spend that time within the exercise, having those discussions around the topic. There were specific questions they needed to work through and had to elicit their core values.
She came back the following week and felt alive. They had reconnected after 30 years together, spending that time in that exercise had not only reignited conversations but also, they learnt so much more about each other. Of course, they were different people form 30 years ago.
We evolve, we change, we develop, that is normal, and sometimes we change in a very different way, where two people just want different things - and that’s ok.
Society taught us that we must stay together for a lifetime. Although, if two people are not happy, and two people have genuinely grown apart, surely it makes sense to talk about it, try and reconnect. If the two parties are content that they have done their best, why do we need to stay in a loveless relationship? That does not serve anyone when the two parties would be happier apart. Do not get me wrong, I desire to find that long term partner and I am sure we can all think of a couple who have been together for over 30 years and are very happy – It’s out there and happening for some.
Having that human connection that soul mate that you can trust, respect, and rely on is priceless.
So, here is to learning more about ourselves and the power of human connection.
Please feel free to reach out
In our last article we talked about the power of visualisation and acquiring your goals.
Throughout the last few months, this might have been tested due to the global pandemic and we might have had to totally redirect our vision.
For some it has been completely life changing, from losing people who are close to them, losing their businesses and some a loss of identity through being in lockdown. For others it might have been a time to realign and readjust their life, time to slow down and re asses where they are.
Here in wales, even before Covid-19 arrived and prior to lockdown, we had severe flooding in parts of the country which has had an added (In some cases lifechanging) effect. However, some people’s businesses have boosted as a result.
The pandemic has hit us on a global scale that is for sure, but people’s levels of feelings towards this will be very different and it would be wrong to assume we are all feeling the same. It was described to me last week from a dear friend as:
“We are all in the same sea, but we are all in our own boats”
I found this to be a very strong and powerful statement, as some people might be chilling out on their yachts and enjoying the quiet time, some might be holding the raft together by a shoestring, some might have pulled their boats together and others might be just be learning to sail.
Wherever you are at the moment, it is a good time to really re-adjust the sails and assess.
For me, I have been very fortunate that my work has not stopped, in fact it has only become more prevalent.
Many people recently, have turned to a new way of thinking and now want to learn these vital tools. They have realised that they are in control of their own mind and that the tips and tools really do work, in turn breaking the stigma that it is a “fluffy” way to live.
I’ve had more and more men and women from various industries such as: military, sports and corporate, ask for support with developing these tools, as they have realised that it can be a very strategic way of thinking, which enables them to live a much more productive life. Many have stated they wished they had learnt the tools sooner.
Even with all these tools that I have learnt over the years, I too did have to manage my emotions in those first couple of weeks in lockdown, which was ok. I ‘analysed’ what was going on, ‘recognised’ what I needed and ‘energised’ my change. By doing this it enabled me to be strong, focused and clear throughout lockdown.
It has most certainly been a busy time of passing these powerful nuggets of knowledge to individuals, teams, and small groups of people. It has been an absolute honour to watch some of these individuals manage themselves in such a productive manner as a result. I have kept a few of them accountable on a daily basis and some weekly. Even listened to how they have too passed these tools to others as a result of their own change.
I too have professionals that I draw in on and I now know which one I need to turn to from time to time, as I also understand the power to check in and re balance. I can do this myself but it’s productive for me to also have a confidential place to support with my own personal growth, because this journey never ends. We learn new things about ourselves each and every day and what we do with our knowledge, is important towards our growth.
A good tip to support with growth is an end of day debrief with yourself, sit quietly and ask: what have been my learnings today? what have I learnt about me today? And what will I take with me into the future element of myself and what will I leave behind? How did I show up today? What can I improve on?
Remember when we went into lock down we didn’t know what was going to happen, but you adapted and managed it. This will be the same on the return to work, be patient with yourself and others, support yourself by regularly checking in.
If we can begin to really think about our language going into the recovery period, notice what emotions are triggering when you speak, take notice of the language you use whilst manoeuvring into this stage. It will be very different for each and every one of us, but the common denominator in all of us is our emotions and thoughts, some will manoeuvre through it seamlessly and others will struggle as they allow their emotions and thoughts take over.
This is an opportunity to really learn about “you” learn how you manage different events and remember:
“ you are in control of your mind, your mind doesn’t control you”
If we can start to really spend time on how we reacted to the initial lockdown, think about how you dealt with the first few weeks? Write the emotions and feelings out either day by day or week by week and really break it down. We will naturally have gone through the change curve in some shape or form.
Some might have gone straight into adapting to the new situation, some might still be in the first stages of shock, denial and frustration. Wherever we are at, it’s important that we respect where we are and make sure we know what we want. This will help us to move swifter through to recovery and integration stage.
Some might have gone through various emotions several times in one day and that’s ok, by spending the time understanding how you react to these situations will support you to acknowledge it and to know what you need throughout ‘your’ next stage.
What is true: we have adapted over these last few weeks and we will adapt again, but it’s up to you as an individual to how you will approach this next phase, one thing for sure, is that you can control your emotions and thoughts, we are not taught this, we have to learn it.
Some people are naturally gifted and have the ability to self -regulate swiftly and others have had to learn these techniques, often as a result of their own circumstances e.g going through their own grief, trauma or life’s curve balls.
If we can begin to learn these vital tools early on, you will begin to learn how to accept emotions, unpick them as we go along and then reframe them, this will ease up on so many health problems, relationships issues, work stresses and most certainly ease up the NHS.
For example :
A 2007 study Harvard scientists studied the effects of emotional vitality which was defined as a sense of positive energy an ability to regulate emotions and behaviour and a feeling of engagement in life. The US study involved 6265 volunteers and they found that those who had high levels of emotional vitality when 19% less likely to develop coronary heart disease than those with lower levels attitude can be protective or destructive towards health
We have more and more scientifically proven statistics on how those thoughts and our emotions impact our health.
Now more than ever we really need to think about this and start bringing this into a natural way of thinking because if we don’t, we will have a very different pandemic on our hands.
Become strategic with your thoughts, start to control them and begin to control the emotional reaction attached to them.
We need to first start with pointing the finger back at ourselves and taking full responsibility over every element of our lives and this is where true accountability comes from. Once we can work at this level, it supports us to rationalise and re balance our emotional state.
What do I need to support me going through this next phase? Do I need to be: driven, strategic, proactive, empowered, focused, calm, in control
We have talked about this in previous articles, be clear on how you want to show up. Take another look at article 4 for other tools and tips.
Look inside as that’s where you will find the answer, trust in yourself, and answer your own questions, become your own coach.
The moment you take responsibility for everything in your life, is the moment you can change anything in your life.- Hal Elrod
I am looking forward to a time that Mental health has become normalised like physical health and healthy eating. Where people are educated from a young age about the brain functions and how to understand oneself on a deep-rooted level. Society will be vastly improved and our NHS won’t be burdened to the health issues that are related to stress.
How Mark Divine, ex Navy Seal and author of SEALFIT and UNBEATABLE MIND, used “visualisation” and meditation to achieve his lifetime goal of becoming a Seal, and the importance of these mind tools throughout his career.
Mark Divine began his career in business but found this wasn’t his passion. He felt that there was more to life than just climbing the corporate ladder. What got him to shift his focus is that he became involved in a martial art called Sado Karate. The founder became Mark’s first true mentor. What he did was to slow Mark down on a meditation bench every day. It was during this quiet time of watching his thoughts that he was able to plumb the depths to see what was inside of him. What first came up was that he was a misfit in his work and he didn’t belong there. The second thing that came up was the question: If I don’t belong there where do I belong? It forced him to contemplate something really new and ask himself the questions: Who am I and why am I on this planet?
He began to break this down within his daily meditation. He tapped into his intuition and he recognised that he needed a job that was high risk and he needed to be a leader.
He then needed to focus. What was he passionate about? What was his purpose? And then he worked out his principles.
His next step: he looked at what he could do, and he kept coming back to being a Navy Seal.
He prepared mentally and physically, which included a deep visualisation programme. Every day he practiced and trained his mind to become a Seal. He states to this day that meditation had the most profound impact, leading him to him to a sense of certainty.
I want to be a Seal to: “I’m going to be a Seal”.
Mark spent the months ahead totally focused and all he thought about was becoming a Navy Seal. He trained in his mind to become a Seal. He states that this visualisation led him to a sense of certainty. He obviously had to also do fitness training, but each day he would sit quietly and visualise himself already a Seal. He visualised this for half an hour every day.
Visualisation is one of the most important concepts for people to learn, and anchoring the correct feeling to the visual picture.
When I personally train people to ‘retrain the brain’ I ensure that we not only create the picture or movie of what people want, I anchor the correct feeling to the picture and also create a strong Mantra for them to read daily.
The Mantra is similar to that of a prescription. When we write it together, create the picture and emotional hook, we then need to repeat it between 2 and 6 times a day for a minimum of 21 days. Realistically it is better to do this over a course of a few months until you have reached your goal.
This is when we see the biggest change in people. However, if you are going to read it and not mean it or really feel it, it doesn’t become as powerful. You also need to believe it. At this stage we need to be mindful of our internal dialogue. Any self doubt that creeps in needs to be grabbed and thrown away. Just think about this - if you don’t really believe that you can become that top footballer, that creative actor, that successful business owner, well guess what – it won’t happen. In simple terms – your thoughts become your reality.
What we think we become – Buddha
Mental toughness + self discipline + daily vision of what you want + tied to your sense of purpose = achievement
We have to be really clear about this, meditation really helps here. Mark did indeed go on to become a Navy Seal and spent 9 years in active duty and 11 years as a reserve Navy Seal Officer.
As a reserve he could still develop his skills. He went back into the business world but also could maintain the skills. Within the business world he was contracted to mentor Navy seal candidates. This is where the concept of ‘SEAL FIT’ came from.
SEAL FIT was developed out of the Navy's SEAL Candidate Mentoring Programme, which took the pass rate for Navy SEAL candidates from 33% to over 80% on the Physical Screening Test at Navy Boot Camp.
The integrated training, which involves physical, mental, emotional, intuitional and spiritual training, has resulted in over a 90% success rate for the Special Operations candidates.
This is very impressive, as Mark has combined the training not only of the physical and mental but also the emotional, intuitional and spiritual.
The words, emotional and spiritual can often be deemed as fluffy. Well they’re not.
Let’s take our internal dialogue as an example. It is said that we have an average of 70,000 thoughts that run through our minds daily and around 95% of these thoughts have an emotion attached to them.
If I was to ask you to think about the best day of your life or the saddest day of your life, your mind will bring up the picture/memory of that event, but what also happens is that attached to that memory is a feeling and emotion and it’s the emotion that can drive that forward.
If some of us are still dealing with a bad break up or feeling down about not gaining that dream job, when we think about the break up, what happens? The emotion pops up. The emotion that we have associated with that event.
So how can emotions be fluffy when it’s what very often we allow to drive us?
We need to start recognizing our feelings at a much deeper level to enable us to take control of them. Because I am in control of my mind, my mind does not control me.
When I went through my growth, I found that I was focused for between 2 and 8 hours a day on learning these new skills. I was very fortunate at the time that I had taken what could have been a negative and turned it into a positive.
I had just been told by my consultant that I would need to undergo a very major operation and I needed it within a couple of weeks. The recovery time was between 6 to 9 months, due to the severity of it.
When I walked out of the hospital that day I was determined to use this time wisely. I looked at what it was I needed to learn during my recovery period and went and got all the resources that I would need to support me with my personal growth. I set the house up so that things would be easier for me post op. I prepared. I was very lucky as I was living in Cyprus at the time on RAF Akrotiri as a contracted Civvie within the Education sector. I had a good sunny climate and I had a good care package in place.
I needed to look at all the positives, as being negative would only hinder my recovery.
I began instantly to visualise how I would be post op. I visualised myself resting but also being mentally strong, I visualised myself managing in a positive way around the house and also visualised myself learning new skills. I placed the books near the bed and also in my living area. I visualised myself getting up every morning to shower and get dressed and go downstairs. I visualised sitting in the garden in the afternoon being grateful that I was now getting better.
I created a plan. I had worked out how I would get myself up and down the stairs. I worked out how I would get into the shower. Simple things, like ensuring that meals were already made and frozen. I moved the microwave down to my level so I didn’t need to stretch. I moved crockery around so I could reach them. Simple things which could have been difficult.
This enabled me to embrace it rather than be scared of what was ahead. And that is what I did. Sheer determination (the feeling) , setting my goal and visualising the recovery time in a positive and strong manner. I was determined to win over my mind throughout this experience and I did. I was able to productively use this time away from work and begin to really learn about me. As Mark explains in his books – be in control of your mind, build mental toughness and mental control.
I learnt the true power of visualisation. I had started my journey and also was back in work after 3 months, so be it part time. It was definitely mind over matter.
There are many studies out there regarding the impact on visualisation and one of them being the basketball study conducted by Dr. Biasiotto at the University of Chicago. In the study he split people into three groups and tested each group on how many free throws they could make. He made the first group practice free throws every day for an hour.
The second group just visualized themselves making free throws.
The third group did nothing.
After 30 days, he tested them again. The first group improved by 24%. The second group improved by 23% without even touching a basketball!!!! The third group did not improve, which was expected.
There are many examples like this out there, but the question I would like to ask is this: Can you imagine if you practised and visualised your outcomes on a regular basis? The power of doing both? Mark Divine kept this vision each day before he became a Navy Seal. Perfect practice starts in your mind. And to quote Dr Joe Dispenza:
“The best way to predict your future is to create it”.
Some tips on visualisation:
• You need to use your senses whilst visualising. Visualise yourself there in the boardroom, on the pitch, in that interview. See it through your own eyes. What is going on? Feel every feeling in the now. Hear any sounds that you think might be there
• Clear any negative thoughts or self-doubt
• Do this daily, set your goal and create a daily plan
• Stick to it
• Be 100% clear on what you are focusing on – no mixed messages, if you are not sure on what you want - BE SURE
• Write it out, making sure its stated in the now, as if you’ve already achieved it
Live a full life, keep focused on what you want rather than what you don’t want. I don’t mean materialistic things, I mean being genuinely happy, content, loving, driven, focused, disciplined, consistent, having clarity. Attach this to the goal. Keep focused every day. To live a happy and fulfilled life, we need to be in control of our mind every single day. This takes total discipline and perseverance.
If I personally don’t read my “daily script” for around a week, or don’t set myself up appropriately in the morning or don’t check in with myself during the day and ask how am I feeling, or how do I need to feel, if I don’t practice daily gratitude, I slip back into old habits. This is where the limiting beliefs creep back in, and the low energy and the low vibrational language will kick back in. Since I have written a script that I read daily with my goals clearly stated in them I have succeeded in achieving each goal in around 9 months of writing it. Once I have achieved it, I raise the bar on my next set of goals. I read this daily and hook the feeling and visualisation to it.
Personal development never ends. It’s the 7th habit of highly effective people, according to Steven Covey. It's called “sharpening the saw”. Covey describes Sharpening the Saw as "preserving and enhancing the greatest asset you have – you”. It means having a balanced programme for self-renewal in the four areas of your life: physical, social/emotional, mental, and spiritual.
If you are focused on the wrong things it’s going to have a negative impact on you. Reframe your thoughts, ask the question and challenge your thoughts. Is this thought serving me? If it’s not, reframe it with something more worthwhile and take control.
Who do you spend the most time with? It’s yourself, so why is it that people do not spend the time learning about who they are to support them with their own life.
You either control your mind or it controls you – Napoleon Hill
If you would like to get in touch please email : info@TJlife.net
In a world which is so busy why are we finding more and more people lonely these days? It seems bizarre. I see so much of it throughout my work and within daily conversations. Working with various groups of people that are often in the press, from footballers, celebrities, military and even Members of Parliament.
I myself went through a period of loneliness last year, where I was working long hours supporting others and coming home to an empty house. I hadn’t realised how I had begun to pull myself back from friendship circles and family as I was so focused on developing the business. This business activity was to the detriment of my own personal time.
Even though I’m continually developing my self-awareness, developing myself as a person, this had silently crept up without me really noticing. Once I had noticed though, I quickly began to work on it. How did I notice? My internal and external language!!! I had begun to use the word ‘lonely’ during my own conversations, but more than that internally I ‘felt’ it. I had begun to form a new habit of working during each spare hour.
So instead of complaining about it, I grabbed it and did something about it. ‘I’ needed to do something about it.
We often live in a culture of blame: my company hasn’t……. my manager didn’t……… my partner did……………… why haven’t they………………………?
We need to firstly point the finger back at ourselves and ask the question. What can I do about this situation? How can I support myself? Before we start pointing the finger out to others. I have now looked at my business model and reshaped it to enable me to spend more time with family and friends. I was able and in a position to do that.
The answer lies within ourselves -TJLife
The moment you take responsibility for everything in your life is the moment you can change anything in your life -Hal Elrod
If we look at our footballers as an example, once off the pitch from training or playing a match, unless you are lucky enough to have your family move with you, being in a different country, city or town from your family and friends can often be quite lonely. Remembering that our young football players are often in the public eye, and are often followed by the media, privacy can be difficult.
They need to stay 100% focused on their role, which is now a lifetime commitment. Albeit this commitment is just a small window of their lives; however, this is often from a very young age from around 6-8 years old to their mid-twenties or early thirties. During this time, do they have the support to learn about themselves, and still be focused on their commitments to the game?
Marvin Sordell who is an English former professional Footballer has recently released a short video about Nathaniel Philips, another professional footballer ‘making the switch’ which is a great insight into the transition of Nathaniel moving to Germany (link below).
How can our young footballers begin to start learning about themselves during this crucial period of their lives? And still maintain focus and commitment to the task at hand? The statistics below that Frazer Franks another former footballer player has published in his recent article (article link below):
• 33% of footballers are divorced within the first year of retirement
• 40% of players also declared bankruptcy within the first 5 years of retirement
demonstrates that our players need more support during this time, before they reach retirement, before they reach divorce and before they reach bankruptcy. In my opinion a special form of education is needed here, and this education needs to be early on in their careers to support them and their families. Frazer speaks In his article that he was one of the lucky ones who had the support of a good wife behind him.
It’s meant to be the best time of their lives but quite often they become scrutinised on a regular basis not only from managers but from supporters. At one moment they can be at the prime of their careers having media visibility, to then finding themselves tomorrow being yesterday’s news. So many different emotions being played out from moment to moment.
Who is available to support this? To teach them the true language of life? The language to build resilience and to maintain peak performance on and off the pitch? This is what I mean about a different education being needed.
Understanding yourself as a person is so highly important. We recognise the surface level of when we are lonely, not happy or when we are frustrated, but do we REALLY understand what to do about it? Deeply and truly understand? This is the crucial point and the difference from turning to the external environment to make us happy e.g. alcohol, drugs and gambling, as these are very short-lived external fixes.
It’s time to now really dig deep and begin to understand what really makes us tick. Really understand what ‘I’ need from day to day to support me whilst away from family, whilst traveling long hours, whilst living on my own, whilst juggling so many daily pressures.
In the film the Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner, Colin the main character succumbs to a sense of calm, even content with his loneliness, because he has refused to submit to authority when he decided to stop running just before he arrives at the finishing line. After various thoughts crossing his mind about his past he decided to take control and his control that day was to stop.
The key to this: Creating self-awareness towards the connections between your language, your thoughts and your emotions. Beginning to learn vital key pieces of information about yourself. It’s time to raise the standard with your own internal language and your emotional connection to it. This is not ‘fluffy’, this is living a life aligned to your personal values and living a life of placing intelligence into your emotions.
When we also think about our footballers that are transitioning to retirement, there is a fine line from being able to focus on life after football and still being 100% focused on the job at hand. We think of retirement as an older person, but in industry this can be from mid/late twenties to early thirties (if you’re lucky). This is a prime time in our lives. But often our young footballers don’t know any difference. They don’t know what ‘that life’ outside football looks like as they have been institutionalised from a young age. How can we now equip them with the tools for life after the game and support them with that lonely transition?
Frazer spoke about how the managers, governing bodies and clubs all need to come together and take a serious look at the situation. He states, ‘It’s so important that each person involved needs to take professional and personal responsibility”. This is only one culture. There are so many cultures, so many groups of individuals feeling a sense of loneliness in some form or other and at different times of their career.
I also spoke recently with a semi-professional ex Rugby player who had played from a young age and retired in his 30’s. His life had consisted of full-time work, three training sessions mid-week and a game on a Saturday. His role within his full-time work had also changed during this time, where he was now working as an advisor and would often be going to various places to support people, spending more time during the day on his own. He has a family and a loving wife, whom he adores and loves deeply. He spoke to me about missing the camaraderie with his fellow players on a Saturday. He said ‘people don’t understand that bond you have’.
The military, another group of people I’m passionate about and work with are now committed to looking after their armed forces throughout the transition of retirement. They still have some way to go but the recognition for this support is high on the agenda. Having recently been invited to attend the Armed Forces Covenant Conference here with the Government, I can personally vouch that they are working on this area to support our veterans. Having worked with some of our Special Forces and Army personnel I am beginning to have an understanding of this camaraderie. Having lived at the AirBase RAF Akrotiri for a couple of years, I saw our young squaddies with their fellow group members being able to pop to the mess for their evening meal and spending time together, always having someone around within their squadron to talk to. The transition from spending years within this institution to coming out of the forces to the ‘civvie’ world can be very difficult and tricky to manage. Many ex forces struggle with this transition. Having helped some of these through this period I have seen at first-hand the impact it has not only on them but also on their families.
We are now having to be more resilient within our jobs. Our roles are changing, and we are having to be more adaptable to friendships and distance between families, and possibly haven’t really learnt the techniques and tools for this way of living in the 21st Century. In a world where technology is at the tip of our fingers and we can speak to someone within seconds across the other side of the world, why is it that we can still feel lonely? We humans are naturally built for intimacy, touch and interaction. I will go into more detail in my next article on this subject, but for now: Remember that we are in control of how we feel. If we feel lonely we should ask ourselves “what do I need at this moment?” Not next week or next month but ‘now’, this will support you in becoming more self-aware and also to self -regulate quicker.
What do I need at this moment?
• Is it that cwtsh with a loved one? Or just a simple touch?
• Is it picking up the phone or meeting another fellow colleague to have that camaraderie?
• Is it a coffee with a friend?
• Is it a good belly giggle that I need?
• Is it going for a run with a trusted friend?
Do something about it and ensure it doesn’t become a habit loop within your neuropathways. If you would like to hear more, please contact me: info@TJLife.net
My next article: ‘The Fable of Kintsukuroi and Resilience’ Will be released in February where I will go into more depth about what defines us and how we can become even stronger with the power of ‘our’ language.
Frazer Franks Blog
Marvin Sordell short video on Nathaniel Philips recently ‘making the switch’
In Japan there is an art form called kintsukuroi which means “to repair with gold”. When a ceramic pot or bowl would break, the artisan would put the pieces together again using gold or silver. This would create something much stronger.
The breaking is something to be proud of. Embracing every flaw and imperfection. Every crack is part of the history of the object and it becomes more beautiful, precisely because it had been broken. If we have been broken due to the various curve balls of life how can we now use the art form of Kintsukuroi to rebuild us?
It’s time to rebuild your bowl with the gold - your gold, your language to create something stronger, more beautiful, than it was before. To do this we need to be more conscious of our language. I use the term ‘Language Alchemist’ to describe my work, transforming your language into (pure) “gold”.
Learning a new language, the language of your mind
Uncovering and unlocking vital information about the mechanics of your thoughts
By repairing broken pottery it’s possible to give a new lease of life to it that becomes even more refined thanks to its “scars”. Let’s look at it in the form of our language, how our language can hold us back and restrict us in staying within our problems. The alchemy of my work transforms your “base” unconscious and ineffective communication patterns that we use on a daily basis to a high standard of thinking. Being aware of our habitual language patterns that keep us stuck in low limiting beliefs. Let us now change it into the gold that it can be. Raising the standards of your internal and external language patterns, being more consciously aware of how our habitual language can impact us from day to day.
The Kintsukuroi teaches us that broken objects are not something to hide but to display with pride, learn from the lessons that are given to you, this is the essence of resilience. The resilience of our language, our thoughts and our emotions that we attach to various life events.
As Helen Keller an American Author once said: Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through the experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.
Did you know that 95% of your emotions are determined on how you talk to yourself? Every thought we think is creating our future. Once we are aware of this we can start to create thoughts that will support us in creating a great life. We can then really begin to be aware of what we don’t want in our lives and reframe it. Most people think, think, think and don’t take any notice of it. Training ourselves to be aware of our thinking.
Understanding that specific events don’t have inherent meaning, rather that we are the ones that assign a meaning to an event. We assign an emotional attachment to an event that can end up defining who we are.
Let’s look at simple generalisations within our conversations. How many times do we use generalisations? How often do we assume? How often are we using universal quantifiers? How often do we start a sentence with a negative structure? How often am I hearing should, could, must? Language needs to have intention. For permanent, lasting change we need the language to have stronger connotations to it. A high standard of thinking creates permanent, lasting change.
Negative language structures have negative impact on us - it’s as simple as that - TJ
The more that you practice becoming aware of your language structures the better you will become. The more you focus on what you want rather than what you don’t want you will see huge results. We are not taught about the power of our language and the impact it can have on us.
As an example, I think of the day I was walking the Santiago de Compostela and I had the most excruciating pain from under my foot going up the left side of my right ankle. We still had 20kms to complete from our 36 kms walk that day, so instead of focusing on the pain, I focused on the fact I had strong body and strong feet to enable me to complete the 20 kms that we had left. I stayed focused on the beauty around me; I stayed focused on my gratitude of having 27 days out of my business; I stayed focused on my strong body. This enabled me to complete the walk that day. I hobbled into the last village, but I completed it. I focused on what I wanted, which was to complete the 36 kms that day, rather than focusing on the pain in my foot. The power of my mind, the power of my language.
I have learnt about the power of our thoughts and how we can overcome our limiting beliefs. I now challenge these beliefs daily.
My Kintsukuroi bowl has been rebuilt since growing through a difficult time. However, to have begun to rebuild this bowl I needed support. I needed an artisan to show me how to rebuild it, and now I am proud of the gold that is running through it. I might drop it again over the coming years but now I know how to pick up the pieces and rebuild it even stronger than it was previously. Do you need an artisan to help you in your life? I had a couple of different Artisan’s at the time, one being a life coach and another an EFT Healer (Emotional Freedom Technique). What Artisan do you currently need to support you?
That is my role as a ‘language alchemist’. My role is to go deep, delving down deep into people’s beliefs about themselves. Not surface level but deep rooted. I personally now work on my mind as often as I eat and drink. We are told to eat healthily and drink often to nourish our bodies. We are told to exercise, but how often are we told to look after our minds? What we put into our minds and the way we speak has a huge impact on our physiology. Going directly into the unconscious and rewriting how you think of yourself and your future is the key to permanent change. Raising the bar on your self-awareness.
If we keep responding to our circumstances and our relationships in the same way we have since our younger years, we are communicating habitually. Ask yourself what are your habitual language patterns? Are these serving you? Are you focused on what you want or what you don’t want? When was the last time you spent time understanding your habitual language?
The language you speak is a language you learned. So, you already have the capacity to learn to speak a language that will empower you and keep you focused. Challenge the negative internal dialogue. Why do we enable the negative dialogue to take control of us time and time again?
As we think in this way you will start to see your energy levels and motivation increase too! You might not remember to do this every day! AND THAT'S OK! As we are beginning to build a new habit with our language, this takes time. This is a new way of thinking for some and building a new habit can take time. We are rebuilding your bowl, rebuilding the bowl with the gold of your language…
My mantra: You can’t change what happens to you but you can change the way you feel about it.
I have personally taken on responsibility for my language patterns. I now firstly point the finger back at myself. I changed my mindset. I became aligned. I retrained my brain. I don’t always get it right. I can still slip into old habits, but I’m more aware now when it happens and can quickly reframe and challenge my thoughts.
Conscious growth meant aligning myself with certain core principles which serve as growth accelerators. What a huge learning curve, I realised that when you live in alignment you experience faster, more consistent progress and deeper levels of fulfilment.
You need the same amount of energy to stay in your limits than it takes to remove the resistance and get what you really want. Resistance is what our excuses are made of.
There is only one person responsible for the quality of your life and only one person who holds that power to make it possible and that’s YOU.
I train people to understand the power of their language. The human brain is made up of over 100 billion brain cells that each connect to over 7000 other brain cells. It’s more complicated than a computer, and who controls that brain ? YOU !
My advice - make room in your life for personal development. As a language alchemist, I delve into what we need to support you in moving forward. Looking ahead and empowering you through the power of language, your language.
To therefore experience growth we need to cultivate resilience. When we come across setbacks we can choose to take responsibility for the situation by assessing how we got into the situation in the first place and what can we now learn from the situation. What do we need to take with us into the future aspect of ourselves?
Take this thought: I’m sitting in the car and putting my destination into the Sat Nav. I know where I’m going and I’m looking through my windscreen, but now and again I need to look into the rear view mirror to check what’s behind me.
Let’s put this into the context of our lives, we need to be looking forward and we also need to dip into our pasts from time to time to get specific learnings to support us with moving to our next destination.
I will ask the question: Are we looking into that rear view mirror more than we are looking through our windscreen? What happens when we do this? Think about it. That rearview mirror is small for a reason, and the windscreen is larger for a reason. I need to have a clear view of where I’m going.
To support us with this we can use our: Personal Emotional Strategy (PES)
The success to change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new. To maintain peak performance within your life, I will give you the tools and strategies to imbed the PES into your everyday routine. Enabling you to challenge the mechanics of your mind. Each of us will have our own unique PES, unique to our own thoughts, beliefs and decisions.
When thoughts, feelings and your language are compatible with each other, we obtain the perfect environment for creating. Ask yourself the question?
• What’s my intention?
• What’s my outcome?
• To achieve this outcome how do I need to be? Emotionally? Use the PES, my PES.
Even top performers and top entrepreneurs “check-in” before they do anything . They ensure they go into meetings at peak performance and the bottom line of this means being in control emotionally, being in control of their PES.
A CEO of a company understands for him/her to make the best decision for the company he/she needs to be making those decisions at their emotional best. Their prefrontal cortex and hippocampus need to be aligned. The amygdala has to be rested and not in flight or fight mode.
Emotions provide us with valuable sources of information. So why aren’t we understanding the true power of this? Let’s begin to use our emotions to support us, to now give us vital key pieces of information about us. This will enable us to become more resilient in times of need.
Would you like to learn more about your unique PES?
Contact me at: info@TJlife.net
'If we can get the inside right, the outside will fall into place' - Eckart Tolle
Every year, when I bring out this 58-year old artificial tree and decorate it, it brings back the real meaning of Christmas for me. I was 18 when I went traveling to Australia. Before setting off that summer’s day in 1994, I went to visit my grandfather for the last time. Why do I say for the last time? He had the big ‘C’ and we both knew that this was going to be the last time we would see each other. I suppose losing a grandparent most of us can relate to as a natural process of life. There is an acceptance that it's their time. I was the first grandchild born and held a dear place in my grandfather’s heart. When I walked out of their home that day, en route to Australia, I hugged him and smiled back at him knowing he would be proud of me on my travels.
He passed away in 1994 on the evening of Christmas Day. I was in Adelaide at the time. Around 18 months later my grandmother died. I remember my father and I packing their trinkets and ornaments into boxes. The house was empty. They had both gone and what were we to do with all their things? This generation did seem to collect a lot of ornaments.
I vividly remember sitting in the living room with all these boxes around us wondering why on earth do we collect so many ‘things’ throughout our lives. What would happen to them now? Most of them were taken to my parents' garage and that’s where they stayed for a number of years – in boxes. One thing, though, I kept.
My Dad asked me if I would you like to take anything from the house for myself. “Just the Christmas tree, please,” I replied. He looked at me a little bewildered, but for me there was no better way to remember my grandfather. Particularly as I could still smell the scent of the tobacco he used to smoke lingering on the tree.
There is no price to this memory and no price can be placed on this 58-year-old tree. This wonderful tree, that cost me nothing, really gets me thinking about the true meaning of the festive season and how much we spend on gifts. We put so much pressure on ourselves to fill our homes with materialistic things, trying to achieve the perfect Christmas.
For me, it’s simply a time to appreciate my loved ones, my nephew, my family and my friends. As we approach the festive season I always think that Christmas can be a very difficult time for some people for all sorts of reasons. I personally count myself in this group. It does sometimes still hurt, the emptiness of not having had the precious gift of my own children to share memories with. I do get a little sensitive this time of year, which is OK. Even though I have accepted that after 6 rounds of fertility treatment it wasn’t meant to be, it can still be tough. Very rarely it happens these days but the emotions can creep up when I least expect it. However, I now have the emotional “toolkit” to support me, which I’m forever grateful for.
I now understand why I was dealt these cards. I don’t dwell on it and I’m not angry. Because now I have the gift of time. I can now spend my time helping others, passing on these amazing tools. To walk with people; to spend time helping them understand who they are; to help them understand their habitual language patterns; to understand their triggers; to help them understand how to maintain a healthy state of mind; to see them in turn pass on these same tools to their families, friends and colleagues. These are my gifts to people, and so many of my clients send me emails and messages to express their gratitude for these life changing tools and tips.
The best Christmas present I can give to anyone is to pass on these skills to them.
My message is a simple one:
Spend time making memories this Christmas. Use your internal camera to take those pictures. Feel the gratitude of what you have around you. Give and receive love.
The watch, the car, the new piece of jewelry will not give you the same feeling that a Cwtsh* with a loved one will give you. They won’t give you the ‘belly-giggling moments’ with family and friends. They won’t give you the feeling of ‘belonging’. They won’t give you that feeling of ‘pride’ as you’re watching your children grow each year. They won’t give you that feeling of ‘contentment’. And if they do, believe me, it will be very short lived.
When the pressure points hit at Christmas, stop, take a deep breath, look around, smile and be grateful for what you already have.
If you can get out of your bed in the morning, you are wealthy.
If you can put food on the table, you are wealthy.
If you can spend time with loved ones, you are wealthy.
If you can get up and go to work every day, you are wealthy.
If you can place one foot in front of the other, you are wealthy.
And every year, when I take down the decorations from my little Christmas tree and store the tree away in the attic, I know one thing, although my grandfather’s tobacco scent faded away many years ago, the beautiful memories never will.
*Definition of Cwtsh: A welsh hug. The best word in the world - anyone can hug but only the Welsh can cwtsh : )